I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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