So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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