whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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