The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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