My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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