so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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