I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
