Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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