She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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