i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Bring me that man meat
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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