you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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