just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
