I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
