I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
