I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
