we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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