sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We need a shit load of segways right now
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
