Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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