I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
