Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
