I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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