Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
