i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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