this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
