I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
