Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
