I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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