this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
