we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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