Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
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I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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