Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
