sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
