I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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