Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.