i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think I am morally bankrupt
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
