We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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