mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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