does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
