We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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