More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
