I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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