If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
