btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
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We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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