he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
