ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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