I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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