you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
