Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
