Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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