i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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