apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
