At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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