If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
