I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
