Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
