took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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