Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
