You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
