you would pick up someone in the library
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
