why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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